Sunday, November 20, 2016

Nagging

I passed half of the year being ENT's Medical Officer. YAY ME!?
Things slowly fit it it's place. I swear it was not easy. Still suffering here and there sometimes, but I guess I already immune to the system. So much drama happened , storm after storm, but I get to view a rainbow in between. ;) Thankfully I'm not the main character, so I survived for now. hahah.

The thought of gave up my work, change working environment, thinking of quitting and filled in transfer back form, but nothing seems to work.
At one point I cried my heart out. Asking Him this is all not fair and questioning what did I do to still have to suffered? I badly cry until my head hurts. Nothing make sense at that moment. How everyone get things easy, but not me. How ungrateful I am as human being.

And then He showed me how, I, as His servant, have everything everyone needs and still asking for more. He showed me one by one. He send me friends to put sense back into me. Eventhough I push them away in the first place. Allahu, I feel ashamed. Why is it so hard to be husnu dzon? He put me through this, so that I learn to grow. So that I learn a lot of things. Not only as Medical Officer, but as a human being. Fa-biayyi alaa'i Rabbi kuma tukadzdzi ban (Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?)

So now, here I am, still working in this department, doing everything I could to make the day pass faster, trying so hard to be nice when picking up referral. LOL. I admit I get easily irritated when receiving referral, maybe because I enjoyed doing the referral. (Still secretly wish for ED :'()

During my time (wah. haha) I prepare myself for every detail while making the referral. takut kot dengan MO. But HO nowadays (wah,wah! LOL) doesn't seems to care.

OMG, I am so not a patience referral taker >.<

Till my next rant, buh~bye!

Friday, November 4, 2016

#kenotmoveon

Semua perihal diciptakan sebagai batas 
Membelah sesuatu dari sesuatu yang lain 
Hari ini membelah membatasi besok dan kemarin 
Besok batas hari ini dan lusa

Jalan-jalan memisahkan deretan toko dan perpustakaan kota,  bilik penjara, dan kantor wali kota, juga rumahku dan seluruh tempat di mana pernah ada kita 
Bandara dan udara memisahkan New York dan Jakarta

Resah di dadamu dan rahasia yang menanti di jantung puisi dipisahkan kata
Begitu pula rindu. Antara pulau dan seorang petualang yang gila 
Seperti penjahat dan kebaikan dihalang ruang dan undang-undang

Seorang ayah membelah anak dari ibunya dan sebaliknya 
Atau senyummu dinding di antara aku dan ketidakwarasan 
Persis segelas kopi tanpa gula pejamkan mimpi dari tidur 
Apa kabar hari ini? 
Lihat tanda tanya itu jurang antara kebodohan dan keinginanku memilikimu sekali lagi


- Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2, 2016.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Rebellious

Hye. Another long pause from me. You'd already guess what's that meant by now.
Well my routine had been; working from sunday to thursday, then bangi till saturday, and back to JB on saturday. Every effing week. Either by flight, or driving.
Except this week. I successfully tied myself up in my apartment for 2 days! Hence, the babling.
Come on, I deserved a.. clap? lol.

Work being work.
It's been freaking 4 month I started this new department. I try to love what I do, but in the end, working with some backstabber and snobbish idiot really tear me up. I wanted to just live and go with the flow as I'm sure this is just temporary.
But convinced my brain and my heart is wayy harder than I thought. sigh.

I remember driving from JB-KL happily in 2hr30minutes. (don't ask about my speed)
And then KL-JB with tears half of the journey. It's so depressing.
Having a thought of involving myself in an accident (but praying it's just a minor accident), so i can have like 3 month of MC. My friends suggest me to get married and bake a baby so I can get those 3 month of MC. But then I realized, it'll take me 9 month to bake those baby first, so I skipped. haha.

I never knew this is called "depression state" until I talked it out with my senior about it. She, who suffer the same already come out from it and living great life. And I found out the difference between me and her is, She rebelliously annoyed the management office about it. And I found it hard for me to do the same. I have a talk to my friend from other hospital, apparently it'll take you suffering for a year before they actually take an action to change department. That, makes another 8 month to suffer! Someone, kill me already :'(

So here I am, sitting hopelessly in my apartment. wishing tomorrow gonna be another surprise(in a good way, of course). I started to hate what I do. I don't think I'm gonna like to do some active call after a year of passive call. Sigh. Never thought I had to deal with this after housemanship. No matter how much positives vibes been sent to me, nothing seems to work. All I want to do is just show my face, being criticized and called an idiot, come home sleeping and repeat until comes the weekend, if i'm lucky enough to not have to oncall, then, Bangi calls.

As if finally I found someone to make this transition a bit easier, and faster :(


Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Stay. or not.

It's been quite a long silent. I guess that's what I do best.
Especially when life treating me the hard way and I decided to stop nagging, for a while, I guess.

So, I tried to enjoy life. I tried to learn things. I tried to suck it all up when being shout at. I tried my very best to stay calm and erase the thought of leaving. I try so very hard to still treating patient and give my little advice. I tried to still smile when all I want to do is cry. I tried my very best to stay when all I want to do is LEAVE. I swear I really want to leave :(

And end of the day, I cried. Until I got headache.
I hate to be one of those not function and problematic Officer.
So, I choose to stay.
Even if it means to work harder.
Even if it means to woke up at 5am everyday worrying about what will happen today.
Even if it means to be the stupidest and not-so-funny clown to laugh at.
Even if it means to cry my heart out at the end of the day, every day!

I used to love what I do. or fake it until I find way to survive and move on.
But when things happen, and all my interest is gone, how do you expect me to be at my very best. Sigh.
Everyone's telling me I can do this. I'm new and things will get easier as time passess by.
Was it for me, or for them? so they got extra hand and less work.

I don't know what to think. Trying to change the dead end to dead pool.
Should I stay, or not?

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Temporary



I hope this feeling, this place, everythings here for temporary only.
After all, dunya is also temporary place, no?

 So again, Hello Otolaryngology!
Thanks for the warm welcome from those seniors. 
Thanks for their patience. There's surely a lot to catch on.
I shall try to grab as much opportunities as I can :)

Oh Allah, ease my way, make my heart redha. InshaAllah.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Adaptation

Yeah. I made a visit to me home over the weekend ^^,
Hahah. Making 3 hours drive felt like 30minutes away. Lol.
But again, driving or doing anything alone yucks :(

So, Hello Otolaryngology. Or known as ENT.
My MO(senior colleague) said my life is a dream.
When I report for duty that day, few ENT's MO leaving for master.
So, me being lucky, got the placement everyone fight for.
Not that I being ungrateful for the way life treating me, but IDK, this ENT is new for me. I don't feel right. I want ED so badly, that I almost cry forcing myself to enjoy ENT. Not being able to enjoy the adrenaline rush and have to study back all the small tiny anatomy things. Like seriously, I remembered passing anatomy over the fence kott.

But then, the bright side was working office hour sunday to thursday from 8am-5pm, break 1pm-2pm, oh on thursday we finished at 3.30pm :D
Passive call somemore. But then, because of this so relax department, it is sooo very difficult to apply for leave. I need leaves. I had like almost 40days of leave for whattt. I need to go back to me home for more than 2days(weekend on friday & saturday). Our weekend are different now. I need Sunday off every now and then! I want ED with shift working system. and easily applying leaves like nobody's bussiness.
I went to admin requesting for change. But again, we work for the needs, not for what we needs.

Dear God of Miracle, do this for me one more time.
And Dear God, if ever this is the best planned You had for me, ease my way and make my heart redha.

#istillneedyoutoprayforsaffy :(

p.s: Amazingly, I decided to buy apartment in JB. So excited to do the decoration. But only can move in within one month time. hope this will help me heal. Till then, buh-bye~

Monday, May 2, 2016

Jaybee

Live update!
Lol. I don't like this feeling :(
Trying so hard to be positive about this,
But awayyy from family yucks! How do people do this?
How do I survived 5.5 years in Surabaya??

Oh Allah, ease my journey. Make this adaptation a lot easier, or make me more stronger. You know best (:


P/s: already planned for KL bound this weekend. Question is, to drive or to fly? Hahah.
Ps/s: I'd upload a photo, but my internet is being hard on me. Hence, adding the melancholic mood. Pfftt.

#prayforsaffy

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Living Saffy's Life

Haha.
I just thought it's time to change the header.
Enjoyed having "young-doctor-in-the-making" for some times though.
Life seems to move fast when you're enjoying every minutes of it.
As fast as when you having a bad day and wishing it moves a lot faster.
But the best(scary) things about life is; It keeps on moving.


Whether you prepared, or not.
So, just buckle up rider! and try to enjoy the ride :)

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Twenty Sixteen

Well, Hello.
Assalammualaikum :)

It took me a year (plus)since my last post. Surprise to see few blogs that I followed still doing the update. I always wish I was one of those. Haha. But I guess, sinking in a place called home request you to ditch (or minimize ) all these technology so that you'll have more quality time with your family. Yes, I am a family person like that. He hee. So, since now I'm enjoying a month offday from the hospital, so let's hear(read) me ranting updates on my life.

#1 Completed Housemanship
Yay for me! I got a legal license to kill! (you better be good to me :P) Well, I took extra months to complete compared to others, but, I did it. Being a houseman is a phase where everyday you had a mental battle of "Why am I choosing this path again?" or "Should I give it up already?"
Relying everything to Allah, is a key to success. Seriously. I used to be so broken heart-ed and so crybaby when my senior tell me this;
"Don't worry Saffy, everyone started from zero. Do this for the sake of Allah. Kalau aku tak ingat Allah, aku pun da lama give up. He is the best of all planner"
and till today, these words lift me up everytime I feel like giving up.
It was so stressful & tiring at one point. But when I realized I was learning from this, It shooh all the stress away. It doesn't matter how long it'll take, if it'll make me a better person(doctor), then I guess I'll be fine. Some people(like me) just got to learn things the hard way. sobs.
All in all, Housemanship taught me a lot of things. I enjoyed being one dependable HO(proudly said I am after 3rd posting, no testimony needed. LOL), but to repeat this phase of life again is a big NO, THANK YOU. huu.

#2 Being Nanny
Because I am a good HO (haha), I get to collect as much as 46 days of leave!
OMG, I think I quite enjoy going here and there during my HOship period, but I still got that much of leaves? yay! So, a month leaves for me after completed my HOship. (Currently entering 3rd week). And since my parents went to US (daddy's working, mummy's being a voluntary PA for daddy). There goes the nanny jobs to me. Yes, my sister gave birth twice during my HOship period. A pair. Almost 2 years old Ayden Yusuf and 3 month old Aysha Reyhana.
I'm only taking care of Aysha. Ayden is sent to taska because apparently we don't have those motoric skill to teach him to meet his level of age. Haha.
And Alhamdulillah Aysha's being an angelic baby. It was as easy as waking up-gave milk-play until she is boring- another milk- and she's asleep. She get crancky only when she pooped. No worries, sister came back for lunch everyday, and Aysha always choose the right time to poop. LOL.

#3 Living Healthy and Fit
I miss doing these! I used to be fit and living healthy until I become so tired and just wanting to eat or sleep. And usually eat win, and lead to sleep. I had a record of sleep straight for 12hours! crazy I know, but it was awesome and it remind me how much I love to sleep before all these busy life started. haha. I started to join marathon in 2014 (the only one, and it was just for 5km). Hahaha. Gave up marathon and join hiking in 2015 (few episodes of broga hiking), and started to fall in love with snorkeling! This year, recently, I started to join marathon back. Proudly completed 10km of night run in 1hour36minutes! hew. I thought I lost it, but actually it was fun. And then, there goes list of marathon i'll join this year #prayforsaffy. Haha. I really can't wait for Penang Bridge Marathon in November! wohoo. Let's just wish I easily get off day so I can planned all this marathon vacation. Hahah. Aside from that, I also started joining Body Combat & Zumba moves. I like Body Combat moves more! for me Zumba is too 'melenggok' and catchy to do rather than body combat which makes me feel like J.Lo training in 'Enough'. LOL. And yes the easiest one to control NOT is, food! I sort of force myself to drink plenty of plain water (8 glass or more) and do the salad diet!I ate other things freely too, but I'll make sure just salad for dinner. Just started today though >__<

#4 Getting Married
JK. I didn't see the rope/ hand that will lead me to Jannah yet. *serious*. So, lets skip these part. #prayforsaffy.

#5 Moving Away
Sadly, I have to move again. Lucky me got extended few times, (I told you everythings happen for a reason), Alhamdulillah, I don't have to move to the other site of the country. All of my friends, I meant literally everyone of them(unless you are son/daughter of someone),  were being sent to Borneo, until it's already exceed the quota for goverment allowance(I think) then, they stop sending MO to borneo. Haha.
- being a houseman in Klang Valley, they forbid us to continue our medical officer(MOship) in the semenanjung. They prefer(force) us to serve the people of borneo with extra allowance.
Oh well, I actually didn't mind being sent away to borneo, since I don't have commitment yet, and all my friends already waiting for me there. LOL. But my dad will make it a big deal if I got transferred to Sabah/Sarawak -__-
And, I got Johor. My third choice. hahah. While writing down my choices, I asked my little sister which 3 states in Malaysia she prefer best, she suggested Terengganu/Kelantan/Johor.  Whaatt. hahah. I wrote down Negeri Sembilan/ Melaka/ Johor. I know it'll be impossible to get Negeri Sembilan or Melaka unless I'm married or pregnant or daughter to someone -__-.
but in the reason of choices column I wrote "I'm going to marry someone who works in Putrajaya" which I secretly thought(hope) it will come true. Haha #redha
So yay, to Johor I'll go. I don't appeal. (one of my friends got Johor and appeal and she got negeri sembilan. whatt. iSad) But Johor is nearer to Singapore and lots of Pulau what, can randomly have getaway or gethusband, no? haks

Anyway, I called up Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Johor, the lady was so nice giving me choices of Hospital to work. I choose Hospital Sultan Ismail, Jaybee. I only know I can live in JB because it's the similiar town to KL. They tell me to choose Muar/ Segamat which is nearer to KL, but I still want JB. It's 55minutes of plane rides for god sake. Hahah. Plus, I already went and live few days in JB(with my ex-housemate, Aizzi who works in HSI, JB). I quite enjoy the environment and think I can survive there. InshaAllah. #prayforsaffy
Already started googling places to stay, I prefer to buy a condo with one or two rooms there, since I think the monthly pay is the same as renting a condo, but Aizzi ask me to chill and come to live there first before busy deciding an investment. LOL. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Which department should I go after this? frankly, without a doubt, I'll choose ED. I superlove the adrenaline rush of treating ED patient. but at the same time, I don't want to live a busy life. how? "why am I choosing this path again?"


Oh well, it's a long of a write up! I miss doing this! Huhuu. Maybe after this i'm gonna write more (since I'm gonna move out and live alone :( ) But for the time being, pray for me to easily sort things out. Too many to plan, too many to pack, but here I am, blogging. Hahah. Till then, buh-bye.