Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Stay. or not.

It's been quite a long silent. I guess that's what I do best.
Especially when life treating me the hard way and I decided to stop nagging, for a while, I guess.

So, I tried to enjoy life. I tried to learn things. I tried to suck it all up when being shout at. I tried my very best to stay calm and erase the thought of leaving. I try so very hard to still treating patient and give my little advice. I tried to still smile when all I want to do is cry. I tried my very best to stay when all I want to do is LEAVE. I swear I really want to leave :(

And end of the day, I cried. Until I got headache.
I hate to be one of those not function and problematic Officer.
So, I choose to stay.
Even if it means to work harder.
Even if it means to woke up at 5am everyday worrying about what will happen today.
Even if it means to be the stupidest and not-so-funny clown to laugh at.
Even if it means to cry my heart out at the end of the day, every day!

I used to love what I do. or fake it until I find way to survive and move on.
But when things happen, and all my interest is gone, how do you expect me to be at my very best. Sigh.
Everyone's telling me I can do this. I'm new and things will get easier as time passess by.
Was it for me, or for them? so they got extra hand and less work.

I don't know what to think. Trying to change the dead end to dead pool.
Should I stay, or not?